Book Summary & Review: Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind by Jennifer Shannon

Anxiety – a frequent companion in the journey of our minds. It’s like that concerned friend who, while caring deeply, tends to focus on worst-case scenarios. Sometimes, it can feel like they’re trying to protect us, but we know their good intentions can be overwhelming.

Social anxiety makes us feel like we’re auditioning for a role we never wanted, while health-related anxiety turns us into Dr. Google, diagnosing ourselves with rare diseases that even medical textbooks haven’t heard of.

And let’s not forget about good old generalized anxiety. It excels at turning small issues into big problems. Everyday worries can quickly become full-blown catastrophes in the grasp of this anxiety.

But, beneath the humor, anxiety is a serious challenge that affects countless lives. It can lead to procrastination, missed opportunities, and a constant struggle to enjoy life.

You might try to manage your anxiety by seeking comfort in music, snacks, and binge-watching web series. However, important tasks often go unfinished.

But hey, at least you’ve managed your anxiety for the time being, so you must be doing something right, right? 

Yet, what if I told you that merely ‘managing’ anxiety isn’t the ultimate solution? Jennifer Shannon, a therapist with two decades of experience treating anxiety disorders and the author of ‘Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind,’ certainly believes so. She knows the clutches of anxiety all too well because she’s wrestled with it herself.

Her journey took her through various therapists’ offices, where they offered insights into how her past contributed to her anxiety.

Yet, the anxiety persisted. 

But Jennifer’s determination led her to a transformative discovery.

She realized that what mattered most wasn’t the ‘why’ behind her anxiety but ‘how’ she responded to it.

In the pages of her book, you’ll not only find a way to conquer anxiety but also a toolkit to face life’s challenges head-on. Because the same tools that ease anxiety can open the door to a more fulfilling life in every aspect.

So, come along with me as we uncover the wisdom in Jennifer Shannon’s ‘Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind,’ one chapter at a time.

Chapter 1: Perception of Threat

Have you ever heard of the term ‘monkey mind’? It’s a term from wise ancient sages who wanted to explain our wandering, fidgety thoughts. 

Picture it as your mind’s group of lively little monkeys, constantly jumping from one thought to another. What’s their goal? They’re experts at steering clear of discomfort and chasing after what feels good, just like you avoiding the gym and hunting down that last slice of pizza.

Your monkey mind is the sneaky culprit behind your anxiety and worry. It’s like a worried friend who’s always on high alert, determined to avoid any discomfort, even if it means going a little overboard.

But what kind of discomfort are we talking about? There are two main flavors. First, there’s the ancient instinct to dodge physical harm – think speeding cars, wild animals, and scary places.

When you find yourself in these risky situations, it’s natural for anxiety and fear to rev up, much like a car’s airbag popping out when you hit a bump. But the good news is, once you’re out of harm’s way, those nervous jitters tend to settle down, and you can finally breathe a sigh of relief – you made it through the adrenaline rush!

Now, let’s talk about the second flavor of dread – the fear of losing your social status. Yes, we humans are wired to stick together in tribes because, let’s face it, we’re not exactly the MVPs of the animal kingdom. 

We’re not as fast as cheetahs, not as strong as gorillas, we can’t stay underwater like a fish, and we can’t fly like birds. So, back in the day, safety in numbers was our mantra.

And if your standing in the tribe seemed threatened, guess who’d be ringing the alarm? You got it, your ever-vigilant monkey mind. It wants you cozy and included, not left out in the cold.

Now, these two ancient fears – the fear of death and the fear of losing social status – are practically hardwired into our DNA. Even a toddler can sense the danger of heights and flames and pick up on their parent’s not-so-pleased expressions.

But here’s the twist – if your nervous system is a little on the sensitive side, your monkey mind can go into overdrive. Faced with something new, it’s all about playing it safe, just like that overprotective aunt who insists on packing you a bag full of travel meals.

It magnifies potential future threats and underestimates your ability to handle them. So, you end up replaying past mistakes, going over endless ‘what-if’ scenarios, and diving headfirst into the ocean of anxiety. It’s like having a backstage pass to life’s most delightful moments, but you’re stuck in the green room, missing out on all the fun. Let’s change that script, shall we?

Chapter 2: The Three Assumptions

Turning the pages to the second chapter of “Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind” by Jennifer Shannon, we embark on a journey to explore the three assumptions that make up the monkey mind-set.

First off, there’s the ‘Fear of Uncertainty.’ Picture this: you’re that person who wants to be 100% certain about everything in life. Your health, your finances, your relationships – you name it. You’re the master of overplanning, endlessly crafting lists upon lists. And if things dare to deviate from your meticulously laid-out plans, you’re left feeling rather miffed. Flexibility? Not in your vocabulary.

To help explain this mindset Jennifer recounts the tale of one of her clients Maria. She spent more time Googling health symptoms than enjoying life. Every minor bodily sensation would send her running to the nearest doctor’s office. In fact, she was so committed to her health certainty that she gave up her dreams of travel just to always be close to a hospital.

Next up is ‘Perfectionism.’ In this mindset, you’re utterly convinced that making a mistake is a cardinal sin. You replay every word and action from your past like a broken record, and you obsessively scrutinize every future move. You don’t give yourself permission to be human and make those charming blunders we all do.

Jennifer shares the story of her client Eric, a man so terrified of disappointing others that he clocked in over 60 hours a week at work, yet struggled to make simple decisions. It got so ridiculous that he missed the office party of the company he co-founded out of fear of saying something silly.

And finally, we have the ‘Over-Responsibility’ assumption. It’s the belief that you are the guardian angel of everyone’s safety and happiness. If you’re a classic people-pleaser, you’ll relate. You keep putting others’ needs and happiness above your own until you’re exhausted. You’ve convinced yourself that shielding people from their mistakes is your life’s calling.

But, Jennifer’s tale of Samantha, a mother who nearly bankrupted herself trying to rescue her 30-year-old son from alcohol addiction, shows that this path isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

Despite many rehab and therapy attempts, her son remained trapped in his addiction. Samantha’s continuous financial support acted as a safety net for him, resulting in a halt in both his and her own personal growth. She sacrificed her resources, well-being, and mental health in a desperate attempt to save him.

So, there you have it – these three peculiar assumptions define the monkey mindset. If you’re familiar with anxiety, chances are you’re nodding along with at least one of these beliefs. And, for quite a few of us, it’s all three of them.

Chapter 3: Feeding the Monkey

Now, let’s get to know this monkey mind – the thing that triggers our anxiety. Think of it like dealing with a toddler; it doesn’t listen to logical debates or deep conversations. Instead, it pays attention to what you do, not what you say.

The author shares her own experience when she began writing this book. On her first day of writing, her monkey mind got really anxious. It was worried that if she didn’t write a good book, people would disapprove – just like getting a thumbs-down from friends and family on social media. It’s as if a little anxiety alarm went off in her mind.

So, how did she handle this anxiety? She started finding chores to do around her house, like tidying her room and gardening. She thought it was a useful way to spend her time and that she could start writing fresh the next day.

But here’s the thing – that’s how the monkey mind thinks. The following day, when she sat down to write, the anxiety came rushing back. Her ‘productive’ strategy from the day before?

It was like giving the monkey mind a reward, saying, ‘Thanks for the concern, here’s your treat.’ 

No wonder it kept sending warnings, always on high alert to protect her from potential social hiccups.

But here’s the revelation the author had: She learned that to stop this cycle of anxiety, she has to keep writing, even when the monkey mind is filling her head with worry.

It’s a bit like convincing a toddler to eat healthy food. Initially, they will throw a tantrum. But if you keep serving it, eventually, they’ll realize it’s not so bad. 

In the same way, by taking action despite the anxiety, the monkey mind begins to understand that the perceived threat isn’t as serious as it seemed.

Chapter 4: Playing It Safe

Now, let’s delve into the fourth chapter of “Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind” and explore a crucial topic: safety strategies. These are the tricks our minds play to deal with anxiety.

Some safety strategies are like seatbelts – necessary for real dangers. For example, brushing your teeth daily and driving on the correct side of the road. No arguments there.

However, there’s another kind of safety strategy, the sneaky ones. They offer a quick escape from anxiety but can become just like those talkative relatives at a family gathering, taking up all your attention and energy. These strategies can lead you away from your life goals and values.

Action-Based Safety Strategies

Now, let’s begin with a closer look at the “Action-Based Safety Strategies.” These are actions you take to find temporary relief from anxiety by distracting yourself. Behaviors like this include the author choosing household chores over writing her book.

In Maria’s case, she often turns to Google or rushes to the doctor for even the slightest physical symptom. Eric has a knack for overthinking and extensive research when making decisions, while Samantha frequently calls and checks on her son.

Mental Safety Strategies

Moving on to the “Mental Safety Strategies.” These are not as apparent as their action-based counterparts; they’re a bit more covert.

Worrying is a classic example. It’s that tendency some people have to overanalyze a cringe-worthy comment made in social gatherings or rehearse conversations before actually having them.

Distractions and relaxation are some of the other mental safety strategies.

Sure, talking with friends, watching movies, and meditating bring joy and peace to our lives. But when they’re used to escape anxiety, it’s like saying, “Thanks for the warning, Monkey Mind. I’m going to dodge this ‘dangerous’ task by watching cat videos.”

The catch is, don’t be surprised if the Monkey Mind serves you anxiety the next time you attempt that same ‘dangerous’ task. It’s as if it has a playbook, and it’s always on high alert!

Now, let’s delve into how various monkey mindsets influence your action-based and mental strategies.

Fear of Uncertainty Monkey Mind

Are you a meticulous planner who organizes everything down to the last detail, whether it’s a wedding or a grocery list?

If so, when things deviate from your carefully laid-out plans, your peace and happiness can quickly vanish.

Perfectionist Monkey Mind

On the other hand, if your monkey mind tends towards perfectionism, you might find yourself constantly seeking advice, even when deciding what to order at a restaurant.

You often feel the need to justify your choices, first to yourself and then to others, as if you’re constantly auditioning for a role, and everyone is watching and evaluating.

Over-Responsible Monkey Mind

For individuals with an “Over-Responsible Monkey Mind,” prioritizing the well-being of others often comes at the cost of neglecting their own self-care.

While helping others can bring joy, if it depletes your resources and affects your health, it’s like giving away your happiness to the highest bidder.

Chapter 5: The World is Round

Back in history, folks believed the world was flat, and they dreaded the idea of a world’s end. Sailors were scared of falling off that edge, so they clung to the coast, missing out on uncharted territories.

Your monkey mind does something similar, keeping you in a “safety first” mindset, robbing you of life’s exciting experiences.

To break free from anxiety’s grip, swap your old beliefs for new ones. Trade the need for ‘certainty, perfection, and over-responsibility’ with an attitude of ‘I can handle uncertainty, I’m allowed to make mistakes, and I’m responsible for myself.’

If your monkey mindset is the ‘fear of uncertainty’ kind, try embracing spontaneity. Deliberately underplan and underpack for your next trip.

And when problems do come up, use creativity and resilience to overcome them. This will signal to your monkey mind that you are capable of handling challenges and uncertainty.

For instance, Maria, who’s an expert at health-related anxiety, decided to take a break from Googling symptoms and cut back on symptom-sharing with her husband. Such small steps count.

For perfectionists like Eric, set deadlines, even if your decisions aren’t flawless. Social gatherings shouldn’t feel like auditions. You don’t have to be the star every time. Allow yourself to be boring and even a tad bit annoying sometimes.

And then there are individuals like Samantha, champions of responsibility. She’s scaling back on those frequent “check-in” calls and reducing her financial support to her son.

So, similar to Samantha’s experience, it’s not just okay but absolutely essential to make yourself a priority! In emergency situations, like on an airplane, the guidelines emphasize putting on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others. It’s a powerful metaphor for life.

Practice these new strategies to replace the old ones. Picture a life where you can handle uncertainty, don’t need to be perfect, and are responsible for your own life and feelings. Sounds pretty amazing, doesn’t it?

Chapter 6: Necessary Feelings

Negative emotions, as unpleasant as they can be, serve a purpose. The monkey mind is a tough nut to crack; it doesn’t respond to reasoning or discussions. It learns primarily from your actions.

If you consistently resort to comforting actions whenever anxiety strikes, you’re essentially reinforcing the monkey mind’s behavior.

Instead, it’s time to shift gears. Instead of soothing your anxiety, start using empowering strategies, which we’ll refer to as “expansive strategies.”

Now, brace yourself, because when you begin implementing these expansive strategies, your monkey mind might not take kindly to the change. You could experience heightened anxiety, discomfort, and even physical symptoms like chest tightness and headaches.

However, if you persist in using these expansive strategies despite the initial discomfort, your monkey mind will eventually understand that triggering more anxiety for these activities won’t achieve its goals.

Think of it like a parent at the supermarket dealing with a child throwing a tantrum for candy. If the parent keeps giving in, the child continues to demand sweets. But if the parent resolutely stands their ground, despite the initial uproar and disapproving glances from other shoppers, the child eventually learns that this strategy won’t lead to candy.

This same principle applies to your monkey mind. When it observes you engaging in activities that you previously avoided due to anxiety, it may escalate your anxiety initially. But eventually, it will understand that you’re no longer catering to its demands.

Chapter 7: Monkey Chatter

Eric, the perfectionist client of the author, found himself in quite a bind. One of Eric’s employees made a big mistake that cost him a customer, not once, but twice.

To add a little more drama to the mix, this employee was no ordinary worker. She happened to be the spouse of one of Eric’s close friends, and he had pulled some strings to get her the job. Tricky, right? The challenge for Eric was that if he confronted her about the situation, it could put his friendship on the line.

The Four-Step Strategy

Jennifer Shannon, the author, had a game plan for Eric. She proposed a four-step strategy for tackling the issue. 

Here’s what his options were:

1. Do nothing and let the issue linger.
2. Go for the bold ‘You’re fired!’ approach.
3. Offer the employee a lifeline by putting her on probation.
4. Bring her husband, Eric’s friend, into the picture for assistance.

Now, it was decision time for Eric. He knew that the four-option approach wasn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. Each choice had its pros and cons.

After some careful consideration, Eric decided to opt for the third strategy, placing the employee on probation.

He believed that an immediate firing without warning was too harsh, and leaving the issue untouched would only lead to further customer losses. As for involving the employee’s husband, well, that option seemed like he was putting his responsibility on someone else’s shoulder.

The Monkey Mind Persists

Here’s a vital reminder: the four-option approach doesn’t silence the monkey mind instantly. It might continue chattering until you finally take action. 

In Eric’s case, scheduling conflicts delayed his confrontation with the problematic employee. And he had to deal with many sleepless nights where his mind kept imagining worst case scenarios. Things like all his employees hating him for being too severe with one of them, all his friends hating him for confronting his friend’s wife.

Techniques to Manage In-Between Anxiety

To help cope with the waiting period, Jennifer introduced two techniques:

1. Thank the Monkey: Instead of diving into a full-blown argument with your anxiety, you simply acknowledge it and say, ‘Thanks for the heads-up, monkey, but I’ve got this.’
2. Worry Time: Think of it as an appointment with your anxiety. During this dedicated time, you permit yourself to worry – really worry. You jot down your darkest ‘what ifs,’ crafting a suspenseful horror script.

The magic happens when you realize how exaggerated things can seem once the issue is resolved. Having a scheduled worry time also helps you manage worries throughout the day. Now whenever any stressful thought comes to your mind, you can tell yourself that you’ll think about it in your worry time.

Chapter 8: Purpose and Plan

The Price of Creativity: Facing Judgment

Remember those early days when you made your first drawing or sang your heart out. Those experiences were often met with criticism from a teacher, mockery from siblings, or taunts from friends.

Did these experiences make you put your creative hobbies on the shelf? Or worse, did they convince you that you had no talent whatsoever? If you nodded ‘yes’ to these questions, it’s possible that you’ve been living a life where safety is your numero uno priority.

Balancing the Scales: Values vs. Safety

So, how do you rectify this? It’s all about figuring out which values are more important to you than safety. 

Values like adventure, fun, flexibility, authenticity, self-acceptance, commitment, courage, and responsibility are the pillars that should support your decisions when the monkey mind nudges you towards safety.

Applying Values in Real Life: Maria’s Adventure, Eric’s Courage, and Samantha’s Trust

For someone like Maria, who often found herself tethered to the safety of a hospital’s proximity due to hypochondria, she decided to weigh the value of adventure, fun, and flexibility more heavily. By embracing these values, she could let go of her constant need for physical security and embark on new experiences.

Eric, the perfectionist, knew it was time to free himself from the chains of excessive deliberation and a constant desire for perfection. He chose values like self-acceptance, commitment, and courage to help him make decisions within reasonable timeframes and take risks – even if it meant facing judgment from others.

And then there’s Samantha, who had the habit of checking up on her son constantly and providing him with financial support. To reframe her priorities, Samantha established values of her own: her health, trust in her son to look after himself, and being responsible to herself.

A Handy Value List for Life’s Challenges

When you find yourself at a crossroads in life, with your safety-seeking instincts urging you to retreat, just reach for your value list.

Imagine you’re in a work meeting, and your boss is leading the ship in a direction you disagree with. Are you going to choose safety by keeping your thoughts to yourself, or will authenticity take the helm, as you inform your boss about your concerns and suggest an alternative course of action?

The choice between safety and your cherished values can define the path you follow.

Chapter 9: Lowering the Stakes

Imagine you’re playing a video game – it starts easy and gradually becomes more challenging. If you had to begin at level one hundred, you’d struggle, right? Building resilience against anxiety works in a similar way. You need to begin with low-stakes situations before tackling the riskier ones.

For instance, if you tend to be over-responsible at work, instead of immediately setting firm boundaries with your boss, start by practicing leaving on time. Begin with scenarios that provoke less anxiety, as you’re not quite prepared to confront more challenging situations yet.

The encouraging news is that whether you’re tackling a big life choice or a small everyday decision, it all comes down to the same mindset. When you choose expansive strategies over safety ones, you’re on your way to defeating your monkey mindset.

Procrastination often pops up because of those little nagging worries, whether it’s about something as significant as retirement or as simple as picking a movie. The secret to overcoming it is to practice your values in lower-risk situations.

Suppose you’re dealing with the fear of uncertainty, and you’ve embraced values like adventure and courage. In that case, you can practice in situations like deliberately underpacking for a trip, trying a new dish at a restaurant, or assuming safety until you see clear evidence of danger.

Now, if your monkey mindset leans toward perfectionism, with values like creativity and resilience in mind, you can practice by sending emails without endless rechecking, tolerating a bit of desk clutter, or being inventive in the kitchen without striving for culinary perfection.

And if you’ve got the over-responsible mindset and you’re prioritizing health and trusting others to handle their lives, start by listening compassionately to others’ problems without trying to solve them. Put your needs before others’ without guilt and remind yourself it’s okay to set boundaries and say no.

Remember, you’ve spent a lifetime nurturing your safety strategies, so be patient as you replace them with expansive ones, and begin with small steps.

Chapter 10: Practicing Praise

Understanding Punishment vs. Positive Reinforcement

You know, it’s a common human instinct to focus on the wrongs we or others have done, believing that punishment will prevent future missteps. But the truth is, punishment doesn’t always work, as you’ve probably noticed.

Negative reinforcements work when they come from nature. For instance, you learn not to grab a rose by its stem due to thorns. Ouch! But the learning seldom happens when the punishment comes from other people or ourselves.

Think about dealing with kids. When teachers scold or isolate problematic children, something interesting happens: they tend to become even more problematic.

Why? Because deep down, we all crave attention, especially children. In the absence of positive attention, we’ll settle for the negative kind.

The Power of Praise

So, what’s the secret weapon for managing challenging situations with kids? Praise.

Yes, when you reward them for good behavior, they tend to do more of it. Teachers often use this technique to encourage positive conduct in the classroom.

This isn’t just about kids; it applies to adults too. As Dale Carnegie suggests in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” praising people for the behavior you want to see more of can be a game-changer.

Become Your Own Coach

Now, here’s where you come in. You’ve got to become your own coach, the one who guides you towards change. Your monkey mind is the default coach, always present on the sideline, whistling and pointing out your mistakes.

Take the reins back from your inner monkey. Every time you make a choice that aligns with your expansive strategies, give yourself a pat on the back.

You’re not rewarding yourself based on the outcome; it’s about acknowledging the effort you put in and the challenges you took on for personal growth.

Real-Life Examples

Let’s look at some real-life examples from the author’s clients.

Eric had a tough confrontation with his problematic employee, and he wasn’t too thrilled with how it went. He was very anxious during the discussion, and the employee was quite defensive. 

But the author reminded Eric that he followed his five-step action plan, so he should be proud of himself for sticking to his resolve.

Maria opted for the expansion strategy of not constantly checking the internet for her physical symptoms or discussing them with her husband. In the first week, she still fell back into those old habits a few times.

But when asked how many times her monkey mind screeched that she wasn’t taking enough precautions, she said “many times.” This realization meant she was making progress by overriding her monkey’s warnings.

Samantha had a unique reward system. She decided to give herself a star sticker every time she resisted the urge to check on her son.

She had collected quite a few by the end of the first week, even though she had slipped up a couple of times. Those stickers were proof of her significant progress.

Similarly, you can set up your own reward system. Celebrate the steps you take toward your expansive goals. Each choice in line with your new mindset is a victory, and every victory is worth celebrating!

Chapter 11: The Expanding Life

In the final chapter of “Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind,” Jennifer Shannon reveals a powerful secret – by allowing anxiety into your life, you’re actually building your resilience against it. This process is like breaking down the walls of your anxiety cycle!

Once you’ve adopted this expansive mindset, the amazing part is that you can’t predict where it will lead you. It’s like opening doors to go after goals you once only dreamt of. It’s about breaking the mold, venturing into the unknown, and embracing life with open arms.

What If Your Fears Come True?

You might be wondering, “What if, even after all these changes and developing an expansive mindset, my fears still come true?”

That’s a valid question, but here’s the thing: building resistance against smaller issues will empower you to face much larger challenges in life. And it worked wonders for all three of the author’s clients.

Maria’s Triumph Over Health Anxiety

Maria did face health issues that required treatment eventually, but she was better prepared to cope. No longer did she constantly scan her body or scour the internet for signs of trouble.

Now, her search history is filled with exciting travel destinations. She ventured to South America, a place her old self would have deemed unsafe. Developing resilience to the uncertainty of her health issues translated into resilience in other areas of her life.

Eric’s Assertive Transformation

Eric had to make a difficult decision, ultimately letting go of his employee and losing his friendship with her husband. But this experience transformed him into a more assertive, honest, and forthcoming manager. From now on, he nipped problems in the bud and prevented them from escalating.

Samantha’s Battle with Over-Responsibility

For Samantha, battling her over-responsible mindset was a significant challenge, driven by the primal fear of losing her son. Each time she resisted the urge to check on him or refused to lend him money, her anxiety surged.

But with every such instance, she developed resilience and came to realize that people are responsible for their own lives. Her son did face hospitalization, but she learned to cope with it. This trying situation was precisely what she needed to break free from her over-responsible mindset.

The Sweet Reward

By putting a stop to regular “monkey feedings” and allowing anxiety and pain, you not only develop resistance but also open the door to more positive feelings.

Pain and pleasure are processed in the same part of the brain. So, by allowing pain, you create space for pleasant feelings. Just remember, don’t chase happiness – trying to feel good feeds the monkey mindset. Let happiness naturally flow from your newfound expansive mindset.

Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind Book Review

If you’ve ever grappled with anxiety, “Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind” is a real find. Jennifer Shannon’s approach is friendly and engaging, and the monkey mind illustrations add an extra layer of charm.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone dealing with anxiety, whether you’re on a personal journey or a professional helping others. Keep in mind that books are tools, and true change happens when you put the book’s ideas into practice.

This book isn’t a quick fix, but it’s an invaluable companion on your journey to conquer anxiety. It offers helpful insights and practical strategies, making it a friend on your path to resilience and courage.

For those ready to embrace the journey of self-discovery and growth, “Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind” is a must-read.

Check it out on Amazon – Don’t Feed the Monkey Mind by Jennifer Shannon