The Courage to be Disliked Summary & Review (All Chapters Explained)

What does it truly mean to be brave in life’s grand theater? Is it about scaling mountaintops or taming ferocious beasts?

No.

The most important courage comes from accepting a simple truth: understanding that as you journey through life, you will inevitably hurt others and be hurt by them too.

Yet, amidst this turmoil, the true test of courage lies in pressing forward, undeterred by the fear of rejection or disdain from those around us.

Enter the groundbreaking work, “The Courage to be Disliked“, by authors Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga.

Grounded in the timeless principles of Adlerian psychology, this book unfolds through a riveting dialogue between a wise philosopher and a spirited youth.

The stage is set for a clash of perspectives: the youth, disillusioned by life’s chaos, contends that happiness is but a fleeting illusion, while the philosopher holds steadfast to the belief that joy is within reach for anyone willing to grasp it.

But the youth challenges this notion, arguing that such simplicity is a luxury afforded only to children sheltered from life’s harsh realities. As adulthood looms, responsibilities multiply, leaving individuals adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

In the past, people had religion to hold onto and guide them. Now with the belief in religion waning, nihilism is on rise and people are confused about what direction they should follow in their life.

The philosopher’s response is as insightful as it is illuminating: the world we inhabit is not an objective reality but a subjective experience, colored by our unique perceptions and beliefs.

Consider the analogy of well water: though its temperature remains constant, our perception of its warmth or chill varies based on the season of our lives. Similarly, our view of the world is shaped by our individual subjectivity, making our truths as varied as the hues of a rainbow.

Intrigued? Eager to explore new ideas and learn more about yourself? Come with me as I dive into “The Courage to be Disliked,” where you’ll find eye-opening ideas and practical wisdom. Are you up for the adventure?

The First Night: Deny Trauma

In the opening chapter, the philosopher and the youth dive into a discussion about how past traumas influence the present. 

The youth shares a story about a friend of his who is crippled by severe anxiety, so much so that he’s locked himself in his room and can’t muster the courage to go out, socialize, or get a job. 

This friend experiences intense heart palpitations every time he tries to step outside.

The youth speculates about the root cause—maybe his friend was bullied at school or perhaps unloved by his parents. Alternatively, he might have been too pampered, rendering him unprepared for the harsh realities of life.

Firmly believing that his friend’s past is to blame for his current state, the youth is taken aback when the philosopher challenges this idea.

The philosopher argues that if the past were solely responsible for shaping our present, then everyone who experienced abuse or overindulgence in their childhood would end up like the youth’s friend. Clearly, this isn’t the case.

Surprised, the youth insists there must be an explanation for his friend’s condition, fearing that without one, the world makes no sense. The philosopher introduces Adlerian psychology to explain this phenomenon.

According to this school of thought, it’s not the past that dictates our current state but our present goals. He suggests that the youth’s friend’s goal is to avoid going out, and thus, he generates his anxiety to fulfill this aim.

The youth is baffled by this perspective. Why would anyone choose such a goal? The philosopher suggests looking at it from the parents’ point of view.

If their son refuses to go out, they’ll focus all their attention on him, trying to help him reintegrate into society.

If he steps out, he becomes just another person in the crowd, losing that special attention. Subconsciously, he might be creating his current state to maintain this focus.

The philosopher goes further, explaining that people can fabricate emotions to meet their goals.

For instance, consider a mother and daughter in a heated argument. When the phone rings and it’s the daughter’s teacher, the mother’s anger vanishes, and she speaks politely with the teacher.

After the call, she resumes shouting at her daughter. This example shows that people can control their emotions and often use them to manipulate situations.

If our past dictated everything, life would be predetermined and immutable—a grim path leading to nihilism.

The philosopher warns against seeking quick answers from others. Instead, he encourages experiencing life and drawing conclusions from those experiences.

Just as even the worst criminals have justifications for their actions, people rationalize their unhappiness. Nobody deliberately chooses evil; they act based on what they believe benefits them or serves a greater good.

Similarly, at some point, unhappy people choose their unhappiness, believing it serves them in some way. This choice is often made unconsciously and at a young age. 

While external factors like upbringing and environment influence this choice, it’s still a choice. And since it’s a choice, it can be changed.

People can shift from unhappiness to happiness if they truly desire to. The issue isn’t about ability; it’s about having the courage to be happy.

The philosopher shares an anecdote about a friend who dreams of becoming an author but never writes a book, blaming his job for the lack of time. In reality, he fears the judgment his writing might receive.

He hides behind excuses, avoiding the risk of failure. Years later, he’ll likely have new excuses, like family obligations or lost opportunities, staying in the comfort zone of potential rather than reality.

The Second Night: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Think about this—how often have you pinned your happiness on specific outcomes?

Maybe as a student, you thought, “If only I pass this exam, I’ll be happy.” Or later, “If I get this job, I’ll be happy.” You achieve these things and feel happy for a while, but soon enough, you find new reasons to be unhappy.

The philosopher in “The Courage to Be Disliked” explains this through a story about a female student who came to him seeking a cure for her fear of blushing. 

She believed this fear prevented her from being with her dream guy. But the philosopher saw it differently.

He suggested that her fear of blushing was an easy fix; the real issue was that she used this fear as an excuse.

She was afraid of what might happen if she pursued her dream guy and got rejected. So, by holding onto this fear, she had a convenient reason for not taking that risk.

The philosopher then addresses the youth, explaining that self-dislike often stems from a desire to avoid interpersonal relationships. We fear rejection, being mistreated, or getting emotionally hurt.

To avoid these risks, we focus on our perceived flaws, believing others will reject us anyway. When rejection happens, it validates our beliefs, and we think, “See, I was right all along.”

The philosopher believes that all problems are rooted in interpersonal relationships.

If you were the only person on Earth, loneliness wouldn’t exist because there’d be no one else to miss. Loneliness arises from the awareness of others and feeling excluded from society.

In our subjective world, what we see as shortcomings could actually benefit us. The philosopher shares his own story about feeling inferior due to his short height.

He once saw it as a disadvantage because society often values tallness. But a friend’s comment that his small stature made people feel at ease around him changed his perspective.

He realized that his height, which he saw as a flaw, actually suited his work well by helping him appear less intimidating.

Everyone, including highly successful people, experiences feelings of inferiority. These feelings can drive growth if paired with the pursuit of improvement.

Problems arise when we use our inferiority as an excuse to avoid taking steps toward our goals.

For example, someone might think they can’t be successful because they lack education or aren’t attractive enough to find a partner. This mindset stops them from making realistic efforts to improve their situation.

Recognizing your shortcomings and working to overcome them is a healthier approach.

If someone knows they lack education, they should put in extra effort to succeed instead of using it as an excuse. The real self is obscured by these perceived issues, and people believe they’d be happy if only these weren’t in the way.

Lacking the courage to strive for betterment can lead people to seek validation through associations with powerful individuals or by drawing attention to their misfortunes. This dynamic is similar to how babies, being helpless, naturally draw care and attention from others.

Healthy feelings of inferiority should be about comparing yourself to your ideal self, not to others. Viewing life as a competition and others as rivals turns the world into a hostile place.

The truth is, most people are too absorbed in their own insecurities and issues to focus on yours. Now while dealing with their own issues and wants, they might hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. But it’s more about them not you.

Seeing people as comrades rather than competitors can change your perspective, making life less threatening.

The philosopher also warns against power struggles. Winning such battles often leaves the other person harboring resentment, waiting for a chance to strike back.

For example if you are debating politics with a friend who has opposing views and both of you refuse to back down from your position, after a while they will start personal insults like calling you stupid and blaming people like you for all problems of this country.

It’s not about politics anymore, it has become a power struggle with an aim to make the other person submit. As the saying goes, The best battle is the battle that is never fought.

The philosopher outlines three types of relationships: work, friends, and love, each with increasing depth.

Work relationships are the shallowest and easiest to end. People struggling with these are often NEETs or shut-ins, avoiding not just work but the interpersonal issues it entails.

Friendships are harder to form and maintain, requiring more depth. Love relationships are the deepest and hardest to sever, especially familial ones.

Key life tasks are to become self-reliant and to cooperate with others. When someone avoids these tasks and relationships, they can find flaws in anyone to justify their avoidance.

Ultimately, this isn’t about morality or good versus evil. It’s about courage.

If you’re too afraid of being hurt or hurting others, you’ll avoid interpersonal relationships. The courage to engage with others, despite the risks, is essential for a fulfilling life.

The Third Night: Discard other people’s tasks

One of my favorite books, “The Psychology of Money,” says that the greatest wealth money can buy is freedom. In “The Courage to Be Disliked,” this idea is echoed: money can be seen as coined freedom.

Money can buy many things in this world, but can it buy happiness? This question has been debated by many great minds. 

The philosopher poses this question to the youth: if he had all the money in the world, what would still stand between him and happiness?

The youth responds that interpersonal relationship issues would remain. Even with all the money, if no one liked him and he had no comrades, he wouldn’t be happy.

It’s the validation you seek from your relationships that’s making you unhappy.

Adlerian psychology denies the need to seek recognition from others. While receiving recognition is nice, it shouldn’t be the reason you do certain things.

For example, consider cleaning your desk. If no one praises you for it, would you stop doing it?

The philosopher explains that many people who suffer aren’t selfish; rather, they live their lives trying to meet the expectations set by society or their parents.

They don’t know how to be self-centered in a healthy way. Adlerian psychology teaches the separation of tasks.

You need to figure out what tasks are yours and what tasks belong to others.

For instance, as a parent, you might think getting your children to study is your task, but ultimately, it’s their decision. They will face the consequences of not studying, such as poor grades or not getting into their desired college.

Similarly, as a counselor or dietitian, you can help by preparing a plan, but it’s up to the individual to follow it.

Most interpersonal relationship problems arise from either you intruding on other people’s tasks or others intruding on yours. Therefore, it is important to separate tasks and then discard other people’s tasks.

This includes seeking their approval. Your task is to make choices based on what you think is best for you.

How others perceive your choices is their task.

Sometimes, intervening in others’ tasks can make things easier in the short term. For example, a busy mother might tie her child’s shoelaces to save time.

This helps for now, but if she continues doing it, the child won’t learn to do it themselves. Parents who don’t let their children face challenges end up with children who can’t handle difficulties.

Following the path laid out by your parents and society can feel safe, even tempting. In earlier times, when most people believed in God, self-discipline was easier because they thought God was watching their actions.

Now that belief in God has decreased, people seek validation from others. This is why you see people going to great lengths for social media attention.

But this is an unfree way to live. True freedom is the courage to be disliked by others.

Think about it—if you want to be liked by everyone, you’ll have to consider everyone’s feelings and make promises you can’t keep, like a politician seeking votes.

While it’s natural to want to be liked, to improve your relationships, you must stop fearing being disliked. By relying too much on others’ recognition, you give them all the power in the relationship.

You should perform your duties and responsibilities to the best of your ability, make choices that are good for you based on your circumstances, and have the courage to not let others’ judgments stray you from your path.

The Fourth Night: Where the Centre of the World is

In Adlerian psychology, the mind and body, the conscious and unconscious, are considered as one entity. If someone flies into a rage and later claims their emotions made them do it, that isn’t seen as a valid excuse because emotions are part of the person.

The goal of interpersonal relationships is to foster a sense of community.

In Adlerian psychology, community extends beyond your home, school, or society to include everything from plants to animals to inanimate objects—essentially, the entirety of existence across past, present, and future. So, while interpersonal relationships can cause problems, they are also the source of all happiness.

To achieve harmony in relationships and a sense of belonging, it is essential to address life tasks without avoiding interpersonal relationship tasks related to work, friendship, and love.

When we think of a self-centered person, we might imagine a tyrant who disrupts group harmony. However, there’s another type of self-centeredness: someone who is overly concerned with gaining recognition from others and cannot separate their tasks from others.

This person starts to believe they are the center of the world. While you are certainly the main character in your life, you are not the center of the world. You are part of a larger community.

Don’t be surprised when people don’t always meet your expectations. Everyone is part of a community—our planet, and more broadly, the universe.

Community gives us a sense of identity.

Even someone who is unemployed, unmarried, and living off their parents’ money becomes part of a community when they buy something, as their money supports the shopkeeper, manufacturer, and everyone involved in the production process. Being part of a community is inescapable.

People often feel more connected to smaller communities, like their company, than to larger ones, like the planet. But it’s important to remember the existence of larger communities, especially when facing difficulties in your immediate one.

You shouldn’t let any particular community define your entire sense of being.

Adlerian psychology opposes using praise or rebuke, seeing both as forms of manipulation. While praise from parents, teachers, or bosses can feel good, it creates a vertical relationship with hierarchies.

Adlerian psychology promotes horizontal relationships, where everyone is equal but not the same.

Being happy about receiving praise indicates that you see yourself as having limited abilities, as praise comes from those who have abilities to those who supposedly don’t.

It’s essential to assist but not interfere in others’ tasks. For instance, parents should assist their children with their studies but not force them, as studying is ultimately the child’s task.

Instead of praise or rebuke, Adlerian psychology recommends expressing gratitude. This fosters horizontal relationships, where contributions are appreciated without being judged as good or bad.

One might question whether thanks can build courage as effectively as praise. Many people prefer hearing praise over a simple “thank you.”

However, the issue with praise is that it involves judgment according to someone else’s standards, compromising your freedom to gain approval. Expressing gratitude, on the other hand, values contributions without imposing expectations.

Being useful to the community makes us feel worthy and gives us courage. 

Even bedridden patients or newborns contribute to those around them by just existing. If anything were to happen to them, the psychological state of their loved ones will be disturbed.

If you feel alive but not valued, it’s likely because you’re forming vertical relationships, viewing others as above or below you. Aim to develop a horizontal relationship with at least one person, and gradually, all your relationships will become more balanced.

This doesn’t mean disrespecting elders or seniors but seeing them as equals in consciousness and asserting yourself when necessary.

The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now

Adlerian psychology emphasizes self-acceptance over self-affirmation.

If you score sixty on a test and keep telling yourself you scored a hundred, that’s self-affirmation. Instead, if you accept the sixty and ask yourself how you can improve, that’s self-acceptance.

Everyone is on a journey of self-improvement, and no one is at a perfect hundred percent. You should accept what you have and strive to better yourself and your circumstances.

As Kurt Vonnegut’s famous quote goes:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to always tell the difference.”

In Adlerian psychology, building deep interpersonal relationships requires confidence in others rather than trust. Trust is based on evidence, like a bank granting a loan based on repayment capability.

Confidence, however, is not contingent on such conditions. Fear of being taken advantage of often hinders this confidence.

But, according to separation of tasks, whether someone takes advantage of you is not your concern; it’s the task of the other person. Having confidence in people allows for deeper relationships and greater joy.

Along with self-acceptance and confidence in others, contributing to others is crucial for a sense of community. Feeling useful and belonging stems from being of service to others.

Work is a primary example of contributing to others. While earning money is important, the essence of work lies in being useful to the community. Managing household duties for your family is another example.

If you view others as enemies out to exploit you, resentment will follow. But if you see them as comrades, you’ll willingly perform your duties and contribute to your community.

Adlerian psychology rejects focusing solely on one aspect of life. Hence, workaholism is seen as a life-lie.

All responsibilities are important. People who define their worth only through work struggle when they retire or face health issues.

The desire to be a “special being” often starts with excelling in studies or sports. However, exceptional performance requires continuous effort.

When this fails, people might resort to being notably bad, engaging in delinquent activities to feel special.

Overcoming this requires the “Courage to be normal,” accepting that not everyone will do something grand. This can be difficult for those determined to make a significant mark.

A well-planned life isn’t about necessity; it’s impossible. Life is like a dance or a journey.

Consider mountain climbing: if it were just about reaching the top, climbers would simply fly there using a plane, take photos, and leave. But the essence of mountain climbing is the act itself, just as the essence of life is in living, not just achieving goals.

This doesn’t mean embracing hedonism; it means doing your best each day toward your objectives. Your goals might be distant and unclear, but focusing on what you can do today will bring satisfaction.

This approach raises the question of life’s meaning and the purpose behind enduring hardships. Adler argues that life is inherently meaningless, and it’s up to the individual to assign meaning to their own life.

As long as you feel you’re contributing to others, it won’t matter if some people disapprove or dislike you. Avoid comparing yourself to others, don’t dwell on the past or future, and live in the present moment.

As long as you keep dancing the dance of life by contributing to others, you will find your way.

The Courage to be Disliked Book Review

“The Courage to Be Disliked” is a thought-provoking and compelling read. It offers a unique perspective on personal development and psychology that challenges conventional wisdom.

While I found myself agreeing with many of its insights, there are certain points I found less convincing.

One of the book’s key arguments is that morality is subjective and that the challenges we face stem more from a lack of courage than from moral failings. This controversial stance is refreshing and encourages readers to reassess their understanding of morality and personal responsibility.

However, I find the assertion that all problems are interpersonal problems to be an overreach.

While it’s true that many issues in life arise from our interactions with others, there are problems—such as diseases, natural disasters, and other environmental factors—that persist regardless of human presence. These issues would remain even if all people disappeared from the earth.

The book mentions in its fourth chapter that, in Adlerian psychology, “community” encompasses the entirety of existence. If we accept this broader definition of interpersonal relationships, the idea that all problems are interpersonal makes more sense, but it still feels somewhat stretched.

Another critique is the book’s portrayal of people as inherently selfish, capable of ending relationships or causing harm without reason. Yet, it advises readers to stop viewing the world as a perilous place and to see others as comrades.

This seems contradictory. If people can be so unpredictably harmful, how can we genuinely view them as comrades?

The book also discusses forming horizontal relationships by avoiding praise or rebuke, suggesting that continually saying “Thank you” fosters equality.

As someone who has experience in teaching and managing teams, I’ve found that this approach doesn’t always work. Hierarchical dynamics often necessitate clear feedback, including praise and constructive criticism, to guide and motivate individuals.

Moreover, the idea that one should keep contributing to others without expecting anything in return, especially in scenarios where gratitude is scarce, feels impractical.

The book gives an example of a woman who tirelessly works for her family without receiving any acknowledgment, which I find unacceptable. In reality, recognizing and valuing contributions is essential for maintaining healthy relationships.

The book suggests that if you continue to trust people who take advantage of you, they will eventually feel uncomfortable exploiting you.

However, history and human nature provide ample evidence that people often continue to exploit others as long as they benefit from it. Expecting inherently selfish beings to change their behavior out of discomfort is unrealistic.

While the first few chapters are filled with solid advice, the latter chapters, though still valuable, offer guidance that seems less applicable in the real world. The book acknowledges this by advertising its sequel, which promises solutions to these practical challenges.

Ultimately, “The Courage to Be Disliked” presents many valuable ideas. The key takeaway is its main premise: to live a fulfilling life, one must have the courage to be disliked by others.

This concept is powerful and particularly relevant for those struggling with interpersonal relationships. My advice is to take what resonates with you from the book and discard what doesn’t apply.

Differences aside, I recommend this book for its unique insights and thought-provoking approach to personal growth.